The end is near!

I'm finally getting my wish!!! It's happening!! My doctor's appointment Friday was actually semi-successful. I did not achieve what I was originally hoping for, but I made out pretty good nonetheless. I can actually say, for the first time in a few months now, I'm satisfied with the result.

I've been real bad these past few weeks. Absolutely miserable? I don't even think that can paint the picture. It's been bad. I'm beyond fed up with being pregnant. By the way, have I shown you just how large I've gotten??

...Right. So it's bad. And this was last week, at 37 weeks. I may look happy, but, thanks to my past, I'm a pro at painting a smile on my face. Besides, I know in my heart years down the road, I'm going to want to look at these pictures and remember good things. So, I try to be as optimistic as possible. I love my life, I love my baby whom I can't wait to meet, I love Mikey and our little family, I am blessed. Though I have to say, it's getting harder and harder to hold myself back and not smack my mother's hand away with a cold glare every time she lays it on my belly and goes "My God, you really are huge." Thanks for the update, Mr. Einstein. I hadn't noticed.

So...it's Friday, I'm 38 weeks and 3 days. And I'm still holding a grudge from last weeks appointment, when I was denied an exam and the necessary status update. I get in the room and I don't see a sheet on the table for me, a sign that this isn't one of "those" kinds of visits. If I don't speak up, I'll be leaving disappointed again. Something that is most definitely a characteristic of "Meagan". I would typically sit back and just deal with it. But not today. My buttons have already been pushed. Not even pushed. At this point, they've been pushed, and baby boy is now laying on all of them, holding them forever down in the "pushed" position. Nurse P asks me the usuals, "swelling? cramping? contractions? anything the doctor should know?" I rant about it all. Poor woman. She's only trying to do her job. She takes my BP and says "Ok, the doctor will be in shortly." ...Now's my chance. I bring up my concerns about the fact that it has now been 2 and a half weeks since I was last checked for dilation and effacement and I want an update. To my relief, Nurse P is very sweet, and hands me a sheet. "Of course honey, I'm sorry. I hadn't realized you haven't been given exams." Damn straight. That's how it's done. She leaves me alone to get bottom-half nekkid and I smile happily to myself and revel in my victory. =] So Doc comes in and gets down to business and the little happy dance I'm doing in my head is cut short. He announces I'm only 2cm!!! WHAT?! How can that be?? Two and a half weeks ago, I was 1cm. I've been doing everything possible to turn that 1 into a 4 or something. Something that would give Doc cause to say "Wow, look at that, you're ready to have a baby! Let's wheel you over to the hospital and pop this sucker out today!" Doc senses my disappointment. He knows I was sure today was going to be the day. He also announces that I'm 80%, which is decent, so that makes me a little happier I guess. But it's still not the answer I was hoping for. So then he starts causing this terrible pain, WTF is that? What are you doing?? He's stretching my cervix. Is that normal?! Holy cow, that hurts like a b*tch man! It's supposed to help speed things up. Well it freakin better! He takes his gloves off and looks at the calendar on the wall. "When are you due again?" "The 27th." "What are you doing this Tuesday?" "Umm...I don't know yet? Nothing? Waiting for a baby to drop out of my uterus?" "Wanna have a baby?"

DING DING DING DING!!!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!! THERE IS A GOD!!! YES!!! YES, in the name of all things that are holy, YES I most certainly do want to have a baby this Tuesday!!! I'm so overwhelmed with excitement, I almost miss his comment about wanting to get this baby out before he hits 10lbs...whoa whoa whoa...back that train up. Did he say 10lbs? He's smiling...and he sort of half laughed when saying it...is he trying to be funny? Was that some sort of sick doctor joke? Because that definitely wasn't funny. Do you see me? I mean, granted, I'm huge right now. But normally? Normally I'm not this huge. My frame is not built for a 10 pounder. My...my hole isn't going to allow for that!! Is he aware of this?? I panic, he notices, he laughs. He tells me not to worry, I'm in good hands, if baby is too big to come out naturally we may have to explore option B. Or rather, should I say option "C". Ha. Haha. Get it? Yeah, it's not really funny, I know. But what can ya do, right? At this point, I can only roll with the punches and take what's given to me. I just want him here, in my arms, healthy and happy.

So it's official. We talked a little more about what to expect when you're induced. I am to check in at Bellevue at 6am (holy early mofo!!!) They'll get me situated in Labor and Delivery, where I will be warmly greeted by the amazing staff that I've been introduced to 5 times already. They'll hook me up to the monitors. Then...DUN DUN DUN...the IV. EEEEEP!!!! Once Doc shows up he'll start me on Pitocin to start the contractions. If my water hasn't broken on it's own, he will break it, and my contractions will get worse. I'll dilate accordingly, or at least we hope, and I'll push and baby will be here.

I'm sure my first post after the fact will sound MUCH, MUCH different than what was described to me. But in the meantime, that's the game plan. That's how it's supposed to go down. So we shall see. ..

Growing progressively more miserable

Seriously, what gives?! This is just getting ridiculous. If it were possible for me to throw in the towel, I would. Unfortunately, this isn't one of those things I can just give up on. Or fortunately. I really shouldn't say like I'm mad I'm getting a baby out of the deal. I just never realized how long 9 months really is.

...And can I just ask, why the hell do they say that?? No one is ever really pregnant for only 9 months. At least not the majority of women in America. If you're one of the few lucky ones, shut up and don't talk to me. But seriously. We're pregnant for 10 months. I think we need to inform some people who are very wrong. If I were only pregnant for 9 months, I'd be holding my baby boy in my arms right now, rather than typing like a mad woman on my laptop. But no, even though I'm 9 months pregnant, the big ol "PSYCH!" card gets pulled on me and ohhhh heyyy, I gotta wait a whole 'nother month. Excuse my french but F that. This blows. And I hate when people ask me "So how far along are you?" Because what am I supposed to answer? If I say 9 months, they look at me terrified and they're like "Oh my God, should you be standing? Do you want a chair? Is he like, gonna pop out anytime now? What's your due date?" At that point, all you can do is roll your eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, technically, my due date isn't until July 27th. "Oh so you're not really 9 months then." What?? Are you retarded? Yes, I am actually 9 months. They're like "So that actually makes you 8 months, not 9." What are you people, the freakin' pregnancy nazi's? I'm pretty sure it's July, and I've been pregnant since late October/early November. I've been pregnant for 37 1/2, 38 weeks. How many weeks are in a month genius? 4. Do me a favor, divide 37 by 4. HEYYYY!!! What do you know? The pregnant lady was right! She has in fact been pregnant for as long as she says she has! Wow. Morons.

I think I'm a little on edge lately. Would you agree? I hear that's what the end is like though. Ugh. This is so sucky. I've become so miserable, and totally not meaning to, I'm making everyone else around me miserable too. I'm so terrible. I'm just so sick of being so fat and uncomfortable. I've come to the point where I end up watching the crappiest shows on tv for the sad fact that it's too hard for me to lean forward to reach the remote in order to change the channel. And forget about getting up. I can't do that on my own. I can't even dress myself without breaking a sweat and falling onto the bed.

I was looking forward to today's doctor's appointment for the past week. Last week, I went on Tuesday, I was exactly 36 weeks. The doctor gave me an exam and said I was starting to dilate, I was 1 cm. Nothing too exciting, but it's something. So I took it and ran with it. I've been trying everything. Anything I hear speeds up the process I've been trying (within reason). And all to see what would happen when I went in to this appointment, a week and a half later. See how much more I had dilated, if any. And guess what? The doc didn't even check me!!! Needless to say, I was terribly disappointed. Seriously, what the hell? Pregnant women are your job description. Shouldn't you know better than to disappoint one? She just told me, once again, that my baby is big. Fabulous. I'm going to push an enormous child out of my tiny vag. Yeah, ok. We'll see. Now I have to wait a whole 'nother week to see what happens. IF I make it that long. But let me tell you, I am DETERMINED to not make it till then. I'm too sick of being miserable. And this pain?? What is this all about?? For like 2 weeks now I've been having this terrible back and belly pain that brings me to tears. I'm so over this. I'd much rather just deal with the day or so of pain in labor and get it over with than continuing on this path of daily torture. Hmmm...maybe we need to have more sex. Yep, that's it. More sex is always the right plan. I'll keep you all posted. Wouldn't it be wonderful if tomorrow I posted "Baby's Here!!!" Yeah... =/

Enough already.

Yep, two days later. 36 weeks, 4 days now. We just missed the on ramp to Annoyed and we're headed straight for Miserableville. These days really just don't seem to end. I am beyond losing my mind. Comfort is something I haven't felt in weeks now. And the pain is unbearable. A dull lower back pain that comes and goes about every 3 minutes. Hand in hand with sporadic crampy pains in my lower belly. What the hell? If I actually thought it was labor I'd be ecstatic, but I know better. He's getting bigger, and dropping, and it could still be weeks and weeks before there's any sign of baby. So that makes me very very grumpy. Enough is enough already! My body can't take much more of this. And poor Mikey. All I did last night was bitch, bitch, bitch. And bark at him for this or that. I don't know where it came from, I'm just so at the end of my freaking rope. If I really do go all the way up to my due date, I don't know what will happen. That's still like 24 days away. Like for real?? No way. I can't do that. This baby needs to come now. I've been trying the pineapple, we've been trying sex, so far no luck. Granted I've only been trying it for like 2, 3 days now but still! I'm more the instant gratification type. Ok, I did what I was supposed to, now where's my reward? Sad part is I decided to test these theories knowing full well that's exactly what they are. Theories. There's no scientific evidence to support them, nothing to promise me that if I do that, this will happen. So I've known all along this was a shot in the dark and yet my hopes were still high. Ugh. Oh well, here's to another day. All this crap and I'm still choosing to be optimistic? Pathetic. Maybe today will be the day...

Testing the theories...

So here we are, I'm 36 weeks. Well, 36 weeks and 2 days. And still no baby. I'm convinced that doctors really just let words spew out of their mouths regardless of validity. Was it really necessary to put me on bed rest for these past 2 months?? Make me lose my mind? Force me to stuff my face out of boredom and to fulfill meaningless cravings? Get me hooked on mindless daytime reality television shows? And on top of all that, I've begun to talk to myself as a result of my loneliness! How sad is that? In my defense, and in an effort to make me sound slightly less insane, I have 3 cats whom I direct my conversations at. Even still, would my typical daily routine really have put me in danger of delivering early? I suppose the world will never know. I only wonder as a result of my awe in the fact that 10 whole weeks just passed me by as I watched from the confines of my couch. I could've been walking, keeping myself somewhat in shape as far as exercise during pregnancy is concerned, and making for an easy labor and delivery (or so I hear). I could've taken the childbirth classes I wanted so badly to take. I could've stayed in work, filling my weeks with something to take my mind off being pregnant, making the weeks pass quicker. And the luxury of human interaction would've been nice. But like I said, the world will never know. I would hate to think if I hadn't changed my routine, the worse case scenario. Have you ever googled premature birth?? Don't. Scary shit. All the possible outcomes, and they all sound just as terrible as the next. So I guess I should be thankful, and count my blessings. I'm only negative because I'm becoming very grumpy, irritable, impatient and uncomfortable as the weeks go on. I do appreciate everything everyone has done for me, and I really have to say thank you to my wonderful doctors and all the staff, at Dr. Irani's office in Schenectady. And the lovely women I've met at Bellevue who have yet to see the last of me haha. If it wasn't for all of them, I might have had to find out just what terrible things await a mother on the other side of that preemie door...

But here we are...36 weeks and 2 days. I'm officially full term. If baby boy Grayson comes now, we can rest assured knowing he'll be just fine and that we did everything we could to ensure a healthy, wonderful life for him. That being said, GET HIM OUT OF ME!!!! I love you baby boy, Mommy's ready to meet you. You've been cooking in there for 36 weeks now. Divide that by 4, that's officially 9 calendar months. That's a long time for me to be patient. And that's a hard task, knowing that the best, most amazing gift is so close within your reach. But you can't have it just yet. It's like being 7 and waiting all year long for Christmas. Once you get to December, forget it, it's all over. You're pissing off Mom and Dad with all your Christmas talk, you've bothered the Mall Santa every week to make sure he gets your requests just right, you're not sleeping at night because, hello? It's almost Christmas! You're too excited! And you keep thinking you heard reindeer hooves on the roof and jingle bells, could Santa maybe have come early because you've been oh so good this year and done everything right?? Once your excitement has reached the max, the house is all decorated, everything is in it's place, cookies are baked and milk is on hand, all you can do is wait. And when all you can do is wait, you start to snoop. Bring Christmas a little early. Does this sound familiar? Let me put it this way...Pissing off the people you love with all your "baby this, and baby that, and oh I can't wait for baby" talk...Bothering the doctor every week to make sure everything goes just right and he knows just exactly what you want...You're not sleeping at night because (other than the fact that you're so freaking uncomfortable with a giant watermelon in your belly) hello? It's almost Baby Time! You're too excited! And you keep thinking what was that? Was that a trickle? Did my water just break? I just felt a cramp, was that a contraction?? Could Baby maybe be coming early because I've been oh so good this pregnancy and done everything right??...Once your excitement has reached the max, the baby room is all decorated, the house is all baby ready, diapers and formula are all stocked up...When all you can do is wait, you start to get antsy and test some theories...Try to bring Baby a little early =] I've been googling like crazy, so infatuated with these crazy, dare I even say bizarre, theories on inducing labor. I'm so very intrigued! So curious as to what works, if any. Some say nothing you do will bring baby early. If he's not ready, he won't budge. But in my mind, if that was the case, my doctor wouldn't have been so quick to forbid me from any activity and banish me to the couch. I think it's true to a point, that baby won't come till he's ready. But I think once you've passed a certain point, there are in fact things you can do to speed up the process. For example, once you DO begin labor, there are tons of things the doctor recommends you do in the hospital to speed things up. You should walk, you should soak in a tub, then of course there are drugs...so it is possible. I think it's possible I've passed the point. I passed my plug already, I've begun to dilate, I've been having practice contractions sporadically...my body is preparing. Why not see if certain things speed it up? Unfortunately, the most hyped theory is walking. I still don't know that I should test this just yet. I'm technically still supposed to be on bed rest. I tried expanding my boundaries a tiny bit (without my doctor's knowledge at first) and did some walking here and there and I got terrible pains in my lower belly and in my hips. Almost crampy, but not quite. And my feet blew up like miniature Goodyear blimps. So I brought it up to my doctor Tuesday when I saw him and he did not approve. He said he never lifted my sentence. Bed rest is still his prescription. Too much activity could cause complications during labor and delivery. So while it's okay that he comes, at this point, we want to make sure he comes out safely, without harming either of us. That being said, I've decided to test theories safer to my condition. I've been testing the myth about eating pineapple right now. Did you ever hear such a thing?? Eating pineapple. Well, we shall see. Also, having been good for 2 whole months, I've decided sex can be added into my daily schedule as well =] It's a little more difficult than I remember it being 2 months ago when I was a little less huge, but it's supposed to do the trick too, so again, we will see! And shut up about it, I've been good, I deserve it! Once he's out I'll have to go an added 6 weeks with no sex so I'm going to enjoy this, leave me alone jerks! =] So far, these are the only 2 myths I've decided to take on. As time goes on and my due date gets closer, I'll try some more. Like pedicures, swimming, and maybe if my due date is super close and still no baby? Walking or galloping. I'll keep you posted!!! Stand by for updates! =]

Wow, I'm the worst blogger in the history of bloggers...

So much for keeping up with this blog! Haha! I honestly don't even have good reason, I'm on bed rest, I should be blogging so much my fingers go numb. I do want to make sure I remember everything, even the bad, which is why I decided I'd blog today. Lots has happened since, well, actually, the last post I wrote. What do you know, right after that, at week 27, everything started changing. My wonderful cheerful pregnancy experience took a turn for the worse...if you're a man or don't care to hear nasty lady stories, you may want to stop reading. Just a heads up. But me, I want to remember what I felt during this time...

Week 27...It's a Tuesday night (so it is exactly 27 weeks). I get out of the shower around 8:00pm and I feel something trickling down my leg. Now, I just got out of the shower mind you, I'm actually still in the tub drying off with a towel. So I dry my legs and go to step out the tub when I feel a sudden gush, no lie, it felt like a plug came unplugged and fluids were running down my leg. I grow slightly more alarmed, and wipe my legs (as well as my lady area) and look at the towel. I see a ginormous wad of what looks like nasty toddler boogers. Only clear. And, instinctively, I take a wiff. Is that gross? Well, ok, it's gross, but I'm a pregnant woman, I read so many baby books and articles every day. I know to smell it. It's not pee. It's not discharge. It actually smells kind of sweet. So NOW, I freak. If it's clear and sweet smelling, it could be amniotic fluid. Water-like fluid is continuing to trickle down my leg. I wipe a bunch of times with toilet paper and put panties on with a pad, and get in my jammies. The fluid stops leaking, so I try to convince myself it was nothing, pregnant women leak junk all the time, right? I mean I've already become accustomed to the "sneezy pees", so who knows what's next. I call my mom several times through the night but no answer. So I go to bed. The next morning, I go to work. As all us ladies are waiting in the parking lot for someone to open, I call mom, who is also a little concerned and begs me to call the doctor. I do, they ALSO sound concerned and ask to see me right away. I leave work and speed to the doctor's. (I make it there in record time too! 11 minutes suckaaaahs =]) I'm given an extremely uncomfortable exam by the head doctor at the office. My doctor's husband. A man I've never met before. Let's talk about uncomfortable. Oh and I'd like to also mention, this is when I find out HE is the one that will be delivering my baby, not his wife like I had thought this whole time. Fun. Okay. So anyway. Then he gets really serious. Tells me I can relax knowing it was not amniotic fluid, however it was my mucus plug. Most women don't pass their mucus plug until labor, when their water breaks. Lucky me. Also, he notes that my cervix has begun to thin as well. From this point on, I get a pretty red file folder to hold all the contents of my file. I'm told I'm no longer a normal healthy pregnancy. I've graduated to high risk pregnancy. Yay me. Then I get my new improved list of do's and don'ts. Rather, I should say, "Don'ts". There's not much he tells me to do. I can no longer work full time hours. I must cut myself down to 4 hour work days. Sitting the whole time. When I'm home, I'm resting with my feet up. No stairs, no lifting, no pushing, no pulling. And the most dreaded, absolutely positively no sex whatsoever. No even getting aroused. What?? Have we met?? Oh that's right, we haven't. Well I love sex more than anyone I know. So this should be fun. Anything I do wrong will very likely end in premature labor and birth. Our goal? Make it to week 34. As long as I make it to week 34, my doctor will be thrilled and apparently, so should I. Scary part is, week 34 is 2 months away. 8 weeks. Everyone is doubtful I will make it. Grandma Cynthia (or Mima as she's decided she'd like to be called) has begun to stress and starts shopping for premie clothes. Which in turn, stresses out mommy. =/

Week 28...
Here we are, only but a week later. I'm on high alert, paranoid every move I make, baby is going to come flying out. It's a Sunday night, so we're technically at 28 weeks and 5 days. Almost 29 weeks. My allergies have taken claim on me and have run me ragged. I've been dead for about 3 days now. At around 10:30 we decide it's time to hit the hay. I lay down and get right back up, flying to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth. I throw up my entire dinner, I'm certain. After about 15 minutes, I feel like I can make it back to bed. After laying for about 10 minutes, the urge strikes again. This happens about 5 times consecutively. At this point, it's about 11:45 and I'm positive I've thrown up everything I've eaten in the past 2 days and am beginning to bring up water. With my last heave, I suddenly feel that oh so familiar gush. Only this time it doesn't stop. Water just keeps rushing out of me until the entire bathroom floor is covered. More freaking out as I clean it up, examining to try and determine if it's a close cousin to the sneezy-pees, or if it is in fact, my water breaking. I determine it is definitely not pee, and call the on call doctor. He orders me to go straight to Bellevue. So at about 1am, I check into Bellevue, with my mama in tow. Another exam, water has not broken. So yes, I in fact peed all over the bathroom floor. I'm officially part of the cool prego's. They keep me there hooked up to an IV all night though seeing I threw up 5 times my weight in vomit. Also they injected me with a TERRIBLY painful injection called betamethazone? To mature baby boy's lungs a little quicker. I go home and go about my not so fun crazy pregnant life.

Week 30...
Well, we haven't made much progress, here we are only a few weeks later. At 30 weeks and 5 days, it's a Sunday. I had spent the entire day ignoring my usual daily schedule of rest, and attempted to move everything that was left at my old house in Scotia into my little two bedroom apartment in Clifton Park. While my brother and my dad did all the actual moving, my nesting urge suddenly kicked into high gear and as they were moving things in, I had to find spots for everything. In the process, I went psycho having to clean out every closet, cabinet, nook and cranny. I dumped more crap than the buildings dumpster could hold. I accomplished my goal, but as a result, I started getting a tightening in my tummy. No pain, but tightening. That tightening would last for about 30-40 seconds, and at first, was coming at 15 minute intervals. Then 10. I panic and call the on-call doctor. Once again, I'm sent to Bellevue to be monitored. By the time I get there (about midnight haha I can never time anything during daylight hours you know) these "tightenings" are about 7-5 minutes apart. They hook me up to a machine and tell me I'm having painless contractions. Common in premature births. Wonderful. They make me guzzle about 5 gallons of water in about an hour to attempt to stop them. It seems to do the trick. But consequently, after chugging such volumes of liquid, I need to pee. On my way back to my bed, I suddenly feel them coming back, stronger. They hook me back up, and about 20 minutes later the nurse comes in and says oh hi, your contractions are now stronger (no shit) and are happening every 2 minutes. Lovely. So they stick me with a shot to stop the contractions, which seems to work. They keep me overnight yet AGAIN to monitor me. I was supposed to work Monday morning at 8, but I wasn't released until about 10 so I called out. I had Tuesday off, and was scheduled on Wednesday 8-12. I was feeling fine having rested all day Monday and Tuesday so I went in to work. All shift I kept getting contractions on and off. When I got home I laid down on the couch and after about an hour, they stopped completely. My doctor called to check on me after having been in the hospital yet again for another scare. I told her about the contractions I started getting at work and she freaked on me! Apparently I missed the memo that I was supposed to be on total bed rest from here on out. So we got everything squared away with my doctor and work and now here we are...

Present day... (Week 33...and 5 days haha)
Bed rest sucks. I have two days until my original goal of 34 weeks. Of course, though, now that we're there, my doctor has set a new goal for me. 36-37 weeks, which you mommies out there know, is technically "full-term". So in a little over 2, 3 weeks, we'll be in the clear completely. I can NOT wait. I'm so sick of being pregnant! Maybe I wouldn't be if I could be active, but bed rest does not look good on me. I've been snacking more than normal because, well, there's nothing else to do! I'm bored out of my mind. So I'm putting on weight, and I can't go on walks like I'd love to do, and I can't clean the house, and I can't go out shopping or even do the marketing. I get no exercise whatsoever. And obviously that affects my mood in turn. So while I'm bubbly and excited for baby, I'm bummed because I'm forced to be so boring, lazy, and fat. ::sigh:: Oh well, it's all for my little man, so I'll put a smile back on and suck it up. Only a few more weeks. But then, you better believe after my baby boy gets here, it's back to dieting and exercising. I gotta get back to my healthy self so I can be the best mommy I can be for little man <3

26 down, 14 to go!!!

So much for keeping up with my blog, huh? Jeez. I can't even say it's because I've been busy because, well, I really haven't been all that busy. I've just been lazy. So lazy. Where has all my engery gone? And just as I ask that question, I get an ever so familiar jab in my abdomen. Ah yes. Little man. He has stripped me of all my energy. But man, when he kicks away at me I can't help but smile and feel such an overwhelming sense of relief… it's unreal. Sure, I complain here and there because when it comes down to it, it is kind of exhausting for me and it's not the most comfortable feeling in the world. But honestly, can you blame me for secretly loving it? It's a constant reminder that there really is life inside me. And I love it because I get nervous more often than I'd like to admit, that something will go wrong. In my belly, I can't see him, I can't check him all over to make sure he's alright and he's not hurt or uncomfortable or sad or whatever. I have to just trust that my body knows what to do. And THAT is not very reassuring. Considering the last time I was pregnant my body decided it didn't want to take care of a baby. I pray that it's different now though. It is. I know it is, I mean hello? I'm 26 weeks. Pretty sure this ones a keeper. So call me crazy but I live for those moments I get a brief preview of the main attraction to come in a couple months. All the insanity and energy that is boy. I almost hold my breath between kicks. Though I must express my concern for the pattern he's been displaying…all the reading I've been doing says he's already established a pattern that he will maintain through birth and once he's a part of this world. A sleeping, waking pattern. And let me tell you, it ain't pretty. Daddy and I are in for a rrreeeaaallllll treat…he's never awake when I want him awake, and he's never sleeping when I want to sleep. I know, I know, welcome to mommy-hood. Oh, and, he's not going to kick on command people! That's my favorite. I get that a lot. "Well, make him kick or something, I want to feel him!" Oh sure, let me just tune in to our little mommy-son telepathic channel and send him your message. Um no, folks, it don't work that way. He's the boss now. I can wiggle and jiggle, and poke poke poke all I want, if he doesn't wanna, he ain't gonna. He's stubborn as mommy. Or daddy. He was doomed before he was even a twinkle in our eyes. He sleeps all day pretty much, and he's freakin Ronaldo at night. And we're not talkin' like 6, 7pm. No no, not until about 9 or 10. When I start to get cozy on the couch or head to bed and find that perfect spot. You know the one I'm talking about, where everything just conforms to your body, the pillows are perfectly placed to provide maximum comfort, if you move your foot an inch in either direction, it's cold and chills your whole body…Yup just when all my standards are met, he decides it's time to jump into action. And I hate to be upset because like I said, I live for those moments. But damn. This has been going on for a while now. And it's every night. And I'm tired!!! After about an hour of laying there tired to the max, I can usually calm him by rubbing my belly till we both fall back to sleep. But 2 hours later, he's up and roarin' to go and obviously, so am I whether I like it or not. ::sigh:: It's a vicious cycle. I can only pray when he is here it will be different. But baby books, doctors, and hand-me-down stories don't hold much hope for a promising night's sleep anytime in my future. Maybe when he's 10. My only saving grace is that Mikey will be able to help out so I can sleep a little <3 Michael…<3 Bless his heart, he doesn't get the credit he deserves. So let me just take a minute to brag about just how amazing my man is. He cooks. Boy does the man cook! Mmm mmm!!! I haven't had to whip out the meatloaf recipe once since we've been together. He cleans. And he cleans well!! To my standards even! Well, at least pretty close. More than I could ever hope for. The man gets as anal about the house getting messy as I do. I love it. And he's been a blessing all through this pregnancy. Granted, I have to say, I haven't been all THAT difficult to deal with. All point of view I'm sure, but still. I haven't had terrible mood swings or sudden attacks of hormones all too much. And it wasn't until just recently that I started getting uncomfortable, lazy, impatient and irritable. I can honestly say that I don't take it out on him though. The whole first and half the second trimester were cheerful and smooth sailing. Nothing but love and new baby bliss. And now, now that we're starting to get a glimpse of the ugly side of pregnancy, I can honestly say our love hasn't faultered but grown stronger. And he's stayed by my side for everything. He's always supportive and I love how protective he is of our baby boy. He's not even here yet and he's being the amazing daddy I know he is. ::sigh:: Just amazing. That's my man =] And he thinks I don't see the little things he does, like makes up the couch all nice with my blankets and snacks and the remote and stuff and candles or a fire going so I can get all cozy on the couch on my tv nights…or that he cleans the house at the first sign of mess…or that he makes me yummy dinner every night and he never leaves the dishes there expecting me to do them (I DO usually do them though okay? Don't think I'm getting a free ride here, I try to be fair afterall! I don't want to wear him out haha…he's so good to me. I'm so very lucky. <3 For everything. I thank God every day for all that I have been blessed with. I've come such a long way. Just a year ago I had gone astray, I was a completely different person, someone no one could be proud of. And now, here I am, a totally changed woman. Nothing about me is the same as it was a year ago. And again, I thank God for that. He didn't give up on me, He knew the person I had potential to be and he gave me the chance to grow into that person. A woman that people could be proud of. =]

************************************************************************************************** The information in this communication, including all attachments transmitted with it, is  confidential and may be legally privileged.  It is intended solely for the addressee.  No  confidentiality or privilege is waived or lost by any mistransmission.  If you are not the  intended recipient, you are strictly prohibited from disclosing, copying, distributing or  using any of this information.  If you received this message in error, please contact the  sender immediately and destroy the material in its entirety, whether electronic or hard  copy.  The sender does not accept liability for any errors or omissions.  This communication may contain nonpublic personal information about consumers,  subject to the restrictions of the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act.  You may not directly or  indirectly reuse or disclose such information for any purpose other than to provide the  services for which you are receiving the information  *************************************************************************************************** 

Here comes Peter Cottontail

So today is Easter, and I am filled with excitement for the life inside me!!! All I can think about it how much more wonderful next Easter will be. With my son. I went shopping with my mom last night, searching everywhere for some khaki prego pants, and we kept stumbling across the CUTEST little Easter outfits. Little suits and everything. I can't wait. What's even more exciting is that this is the last holiday I will ever spend alone. Not that I'm alone, but you know what I mean. The next holiday is Thanksgiving. Or Halloween if you so chose to call it that. And even before that, my birthday!! And my little man will be here for all of it. =] I'm pumped. I couldn't be happier right now. And Easter is one of my favorite days. I really love going to church with my family. There's just a peace of mind I get every Easter. Corny or not, I feel, well...like rejoycing and being glad in it! Haha Christ has arisen and we shall arise, right? I get such a sense of comfort. I am truly blessed, and I thank God for that. There were so many times He could have turned his back on me, could have given up. But He didn't. I'm alive today and I believe it's because He wants me here. I've been blessed by amazing people, and now, this baby boy. What gift could be greater? =]

A second chance at happiness...

So last post we left off at what's going on now. How've I been since I made the decision to be happy? I've been, well, happy! I've grown up. You may laugh, but I did. I fell in love again unexpectedly in June. A different kind of love. A healthy love. A true, genuine love. I met Mikey at a part time job hostessing at a diner, and soon after, after a terrifying midnight encounter, met his 2 year old (now 3 year old) daughter Kaylee. Mikey and I began "seeing" each other June of 2009, and said our first "I love you"'s at the fourth of July fireworks. I've been through a lot in my life, and I knew this was something big. I found feelings I had never felt before with my husband. We connected on so many levels and I'd never felt so right with someone. I didn't have to change who I was to be with him, and I didn't need him to change to be what I wanted. He was what I wanted. We didn't waste time. Afterall, I've wasted enough time in my life. We both know what we want out of life and it's defined in each other. We moved in together in September and by November, I was peeing on a stick. Only rather than the usual frantic "please be negative, please be negative" little chant and rain dance I was so used to doing in the past, I found myself planted right in front of it watching it for the entire 3 minutes praying to God it would be positive. I had taken a digital test, and let me tell you, there was nothing more powerful than the word "Pregnant" displayed across the screen. I cried almost simultaneously and thanked God. Now, I've been pregnant once before, but had a miscarriage. We found out that we had technically lost the baby before we had even found out we were pregnant (looooong story, and as a result, I no longer see Dr. Sattar of Schenectady and I advise others to heed my advice) So to be sure, I wanted to take another test, maybe even two. It was a Friday night so Mikey was working till about 10. I jumped in my car to run up to Price Chopper which was all of a couple miles away from our apartment. Now--most of you know about my car, right? It's a death trap on wheels, and most of the time not even worth the $600 I paid for it. It's more of a lawn ornament than a mode of transportation. Unreliable doesn't even paint a close enough picture. This thing is a beast. I got in it, prayed it would start, and ran up to Price Chopper. I bought 2 pregnancy tests, and a card for "Daddy", that's how I wanted to tell him =] Even though this would be his second child, it would be my first and I wanted everything to be perfect and exciting. I hoped back in my car, turned the key, and...nothing. Tried again, nothing. Tried, tried, tried....nothing. This went on for a good half hour before I started frantically making phone calls. I had to be home before Mikey got home!! Everything needed to be perfect for when I told him the news! I mean, there had to be candles, and the card, and I had to find something pretty to wear and...just everything! I was hysterical when nothing was going my way and the only option was to wait for Mikey to come pick me up. I considered walking, but it was raining and, hello? I was pregnant! I had to be careful now! About 20 minutes later, we were driving home in Mikey's car, discussing how foolish it had been that I took the beast to Price Chopper when we know how unreliable it is. And all for a card? (I still had not told him the real reason I had gone) -Oh but the card is for you honey, I wanted to get you a card.- That helped a little, he apologized for getting angry and thanked me for thinking about him and he leaned over to give me a kiss. Once we got home, I sat him on the couch and asked if he wanted his card now. So not how I pictured it, no candles were lit, I was in sweats and my hair up in a pony tail, and still flustered from the car drama. But we sat on the couch and he opened my card. He read that we were pregnant and I was relieved when he smiled and hugged and kissed me and smiled some more. I took the other 2 tests, both reassuring my earlier discovery. We laughed and we danced around the house and we started talking about baby. I told my parents (well, my mom haha) the next day and he told his parents and little by little we told more and more people. Doctor visit number one was that Monday and they gave me an ultrasound right then and there because of my concerns from my previous pregnancy. Everyone wanted to be put at ease. Sure enough, there was a tiny little dot on the screen. That didn't really make me feel great, as I couldn't see a thing. But my doctor reassured me that the pregnancy sac was developing and I was roughly 4 weeks. She had me come back in 2 weeks to do another ultrasound to see my progress and that appointment made me feel much much better. This time, there was a distinct little bean on the monitor. Big enough to see and very reassuring considering 2 weeks ago there had been a tiny little dot in its place. The best part though? The best part was you could see a tiny little flutter in the bean. A heartbeat. Something I had never seen before. Proof that there really was life inside me. A very emotional time for all of us.
After a very nerve-racking first trimester (convinced that if I so much as sneezed wrong I'd miscarry again), I made it to my second trimester without being any worse for the wear. I have no horror stories, no typical first trimester gripes. I have been lucky, and blessed. Not a single stitch of morning sickness. At 20 weeks, we found out we're having a baby boy. I am beyond thrilled. I secretly hoped I'd be having a boy. While I'd love a girl too, it seems everyone is having girls. And that's great, but I've always wanted to be different. And ever since Vincent danced into my life, I've had it in my mind that I wanted a little boy. Besides, Mikey's not big into Nascar. I need someone I can take to the races and cheer on Dale Jr. with!!! =] So that brings us up to speed. At 22 1/2 weeks me, Mikey, and Kaylee are as happy as could be. Now you can follow us through our journey. And I'm super excited that you are. I'll be blogging every time I have a question, a worry, a celebration, to vent, to wonder, to just gush about how absolutely wonderful life is. Take it from someone who has hit rock bottom, life is full of wonderful things and is most definitely worth living. I don't even want to think about all I'd have missed out on...meeting my other half, the man I've been waiting my whole life for, growing up and making my own choices (and let me tell you, there's something so rewarding about making choices and being on your own. Everything we've bought or paid for has so much more meaning because it was earned and we worked hard for it), and being blessed with the most amazing gift of all. A baby.

So this is blogging...

Hmmm. Day one of this new found fad. So far? I like it. I get to decorate and post pictures and just go on and on about anything and everything that's on my mind? Yeah, I like that. Something to know about me- I love getting myself out on paper. Or, rather, computer screen in this case I suppose. I used to keep diaries and journals, so many I'd lose track. This is much more organized, I could really get used to this thing. I can see why people get so addicted. It's quite catchy. So let's see, where should we start? Well, if you're reading this, you probably know me. But if you don't? Well, it's probably too late to get you caught up. A lot has happened to me in the past year. Lots of changes for this once timid, mild mannered, seen and not heard type of gal. My story goes like this...

I had a picture perfect childhood. Grew up in Rotterdam, NY. The neighborhood kids were my life and my days were spent creating forts in the park, building bike jumps, and playing "Bad Bird" in the road. I had(have) the best family a girl could ask for. My parents are still together today, for a total of 29 years, and set a wonderful example for me. I can only hope I am that happy in 29 years. I have a brother whom I love, despite the fact I think he's too cocky and full of himself for his own good. It's not his fault. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents more than anything. But they do put him on a pedestal that I can only view from my place on the ground. I wish him all the best though and I hope he really does become some great wonderful doctor like he intends.
High school was a time for change. I was established and happy in Mohonasen and thrilled to be a part of the Winterguard team (<3). That all stopped in 9th grade. We moved to Burnt Hills, which isn't far, but might as well have been half way across the world in a 9th graders eyes. I was very spiteful and reluctant to make friends and adjust to Burnt Hills life. Once I did though, I found great friends (and still kept my true friends from Mohonasen). Looking back I thank my parents for making the decision they did. While I was happy in Mohonasen, there was a lot that I didn't see then. A lot of politics in the school that I understand now, and despise Mohonasen for. Plus I was struggling academically and teachers gave up on me easily. In high school, they didn't want to be bothered. You were a number to them and they didn't really care about you as an individual. I received a much better education at Burnt Hills than I would have gotten at Mohonasen. Teachers were there to help and wanted you to not only succeed, but blow everyone out of the water. They never gave up on me, even at times when I wished they would, and I did very well in high school because of them. I graduated in 2004 and though my heart wanted to go to Saint Rose, my bank account and federal aid would only allow for HVCC. But let's make one thing clear, I am NOT complaining. I have nothing but good things to say about HVCC. I really did get a great education there! I loved it. I learned so much! I majored in Early Childhood Education and have never been more fascinated by anything in my life. Children blow my mind. After 2 (well...okay, technically 3 haha) years at HVCC, I got my associates degree in Early Childhood Education and I feel like an expert on kids!!! I dove right in and actually went above and beyond. That's something I've never done. I spent hours researching things that weren't even required, I just simply wanted to know more. My ECCE teachers became my best friends (well, as well as some other fine ladies I've kept through the years =]) and I spent hours in their offices just discussing kids. I was offered a job right out of graduation as a head teacher of a toddler room at a local daycare center. I have nothing but great things to say about that. While I was there I'm sure I could have come up with a few complaints, but looking back I have nothing but great memories with great people. I have a special place in my heart for most of them and for quite a few of the kids that came through my classroom doors. Two and a half years later, one of my favorite students was leaving the center and I received the best compliment of all. They didn't want to leave me. So they took me with them and that's how I became a personal nanny to the most wonderful little boy I have ever met. Vincent. Vincent changed my life in more ways than I will ever be able to thank him for. I only got to nanny from October 2008 to May 2009. They had to let me go because mom was a teacher and had the summer off. I still keep in touch though =] That brings me to where I am today. I work for First Niagara Bank and I really love it. It's quite the change of pace, and there are times that I miss the daycare days and analyzing children. But I love working for the bank and I love the people I work with.
I fell in love at sixteen with the first man to tell me he loved me. I won't lie, I loved him too and I don't regret anything. It was a lesson learned in my life. I demanded an engagement and a rock to seal the deal. At 19 I was engaged and planning an elaborate wedding that I would later regret (I'm so sorry Mama...). August of 2007, at 20, I was married. Already feeling like I was making a mistake but hoping marriage would fix everything. I was 20 afterall. Young and dumb. In this time we also purchased our first house and I poured everything into fixing it up. I spent all my time doing remodels and keeping busy enough to keep my mind off the fact that I was falling out of love. It got worse and worse. I tried to leave several times, but each time couldn't bring myself to actually pack up and go. He threatened to take everything I had if I tried to leave. Then cried and begged me not to go. After about a year of this, I made the dumbest move I could have ever made. I resorted to attempting suicide to try to get out of my marriage. I felt I had no other options. I overdosed on prescription pain pills and whatever else I could find in the medicine cabinet and by the same time the next day, I knew it was the most out of my mind thing I had ever done and ever would do. I actually thought being dead would be better than being married to this man? After spending a couple days in the hospital and talking to psychiatrist after psychiatrist, we came to the conclusion that I have bi-polar tendencies and was in a harmful relationship that I needed to get out of immediately. Soon after this life changing experience, I did just that. I packed up everything I could fit in "MY" car, signed separation papers, and left knowing this time I wouldn't be going back. Parts of me were sad that it had to end the way it did, but the other parts of me felt so wonderful to be free. I made my own decisions for the first time in my entire life at the age of 22. I took off and haven't looked back since.
That brings us to just about now. A better, happier life. Which I am going to tell you about in another post. This post has become sad, depressing, and littered with things I prefer not to remember. My new life is positive and full of happiness and deserves a fresh new post, so to hear all about how I got where I am now, keep reading!! You haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet I promise =]

**...I do want to make something clear though. Bi-polar disorder is not something to take lightly or joke about. It's a serious disorder, and having struggled with it, I feel like I need to advocate for it. And keep in mind, this happened a year ago and it was a one time thing. I am not characterized as a suicidal, crazy person. I had one incident that put me in a category and needed attention. Through therapy sessions I've come to the realization that given the right circumstances, everyone has the potential to do what I did. I was pushed to my limit and didn't know how to help myself. It didn't help that my husband had such a control over me I felt like I couldn't tell anyone anything. I wanted to talk to people and I'd get threats from him. That was my cry for help. I wanted other options. After a year of therapy, it's been concluded that I have done a complete 180. I haven't exhibited any bi-polar tendencies since I left my husband, not a single characteristic. So even though I had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder once before, it's now up for re-discussion. I haven't taken medication in about 7 months, and never once did I have an "episode" or even a hard time coping without them. In fact, I've been happier. I feel...real? Does that make sense? I feel feelings 100%. That might not make sense to you, but it does to me. I've never felt more alive and truly happy....**