Hmmm. Day one of this new found fad. So far? I like it. I get to decorate and post pictures and just go on and on about anything and everything that's on my mind? Yeah, I like that. Something to know about me- I love getting myself out on paper. Or, rather, computer screen in this case I suppose. I used to keep diaries and journals, so many I'd lose track. This is much more organized, I could really get used to this thing. I can see why people get so addicted. It's quite catchy. So let's see, where should we start? Well, if you're reading this, you probably know me. But if you don't? Well, it's probably too late to get you caught up. A lot has happened to me in the past year. Lots of changes for this once timid, mild mannered, seen and not heard type of gal. My story goes like this...
I had a picture perfect childhood. Grew up in Rotterdam, NY. The neighborhood kids were my life and my days were spent creating forts in the park, building bike jumps, and playing "Bad Bird" in the road. I had(have) the best family a girl could ask for. My parents are still together today, for a total of 29 years, and set a wonderful example for me. I can only hope I am that happy in 29 years. I have a brother whom I love, despite the fact I think he's too cocky and full of himself for his own good. It's not his fault. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents more than anything. But they do put him on a pedestal that I can only view from my place on the ground. I wish him all the best though and I hope he really does become some great wonderful doctor like he intends.
High school was a time for change. I was established and happy in Mohonasen and thrilled to be a part of the Winterguard team (<3). That all stopped in 9th grade. We moved to Burnt Hills, which isn't far, but might as well have been half way across the world in a 9th graders eyes. I was very spiteful and reluctant to make friends and adjust to Burnt Hills life. Once I did though, I found great friends (and still kept my true friends from Mohonasen). Looking back I thank my parents for making the decision they did. While I was happy in Mohonasen, there was a lot that I didn't see then. A lot of politics in the school that I understand now, and despise Mohonasen for. Plus I was struggling academically and teachers gave up on me easily. In high school, they didn't want to be bothered. You were a number to them and they didn't really care about you as an individual. I received a much better education at Burnt Hills than I would have gotten at Mohonasen. Teachers were there to help and wanted you to not only succeed, but blow everyone out of the water. They never gave up on me, even at times when I wished they would, and I did very well in high school because of them. I graduated in 2004 and though my heart wanted to go to Saint Rose, my bank account and federal aid would only allow for HVCC. But let's make one thing clear, I am NOT complaining. I have nothing but good things to say about HVCC. I really did get a great education there! I loved it. I learned so much! I majored in Early Childhood Education and have never been more fascinated by anything in my life. Children blow my mind. After 2 (well...okay, technically 3 haha) years at HVCC, I got my associates degree in Early Childhood Education and I feel like an expert on kids!!! I dove right in and actually went above and beyond. That's something I've never done. I spent hours researching things that weren't even required, I just simply wanted to know more. My ECCE teachers became my best friends (well, as well as some other fine ladies I've kept through the years =]) and I spent hours in their offices just discussing kids. I was offered a job right out of graduation as a head teacher of a toddler room at a local daycare center. I have nothing but great things to say about that. While I was there I'm sure I could have come up with a few complaints, but looking back I have nothing but great memories with great people. I have a special place in my heart for most of them and for quite a few of the kids that came through my classroom doors. Two and a half years later, one of my favorite students was leaving the center and I received the best compliment of all. They didn't want to leave me. So they took me with them and that's how I became a personal nanny to the most wonderful little boy I have ever met. Vincent. Vincent changed my life in more ways than I will ever be able to thank him for. I only got to nanny from October 2008 to May 2009. They had to let me go because mom was a teacher and had the summer off. I still keep in touch though =] That brings me to where I am today. I work for First Niagara Bank and I really love it. It's quite the change of pace, and there are times that I miss the daycare days and analyzing children. But I love working for the bank and I love the people I work with.
I fell in love at sixteen with the first man to tell me he loved me. I won't lie, I loved him too and I don't regret anything. It was a lesson learned in my life. I demanded an engagement and a rock to seal the deal. At 19 I was engaged and planning an elaborate wedding that I would later regret (I'm so sorry Mama...). August of 2007, at 20, I was married. Already feeling like I was making a mistake but hoping marriage would fix everything. I was 20 afterall. Young and dumb. In this time we also purchased our first house and I poured everything into fixing it up. I spent all my time doing remodels and keeping busy enough to keep my mind off the fact that I was falling out of love. It got worse and worse. I tried to leave several times, but each time couldn't bring myself to actually pack up and go. He threatened to take everything I had if I tried to leave. Then cried and begged me not to go. After about a year of this, I made the dumbest move I could have ever made. I resorted to attempting suicide to try to get out of my marriage. I felt I had no other options. I overdosed on prescription pain pills and whatever else I could find in the medicine cabinet and by the same time the next day, I knew it was the most out of my mind thing I had ever done and ever would do. I actually thought being dead would be better than being married to this man? After spending a couple days in the hospital and talking to psychiatrist after psychiatrist, we came to the conclusion that I have bi-polar tendencies and was in a harmful relationship that I needed to get out of immediately. Soon after this life changing experience, I did just that. I packed up everything I could fit in "MY" car, signed separation papers, and left knowing this time I wouldn't be going back. Parts of me were sad that it had to end the way it did, but the other parts of me felt so wonderful to be free. I made my own decisions for the first time in my entire life at the age of 22. I took off and haven't looked back since.
That brings us to just about now. A better, happier life. Which I am going to tell you about in another post. This post has become sad, depressing, and littered with things I prefer not to remember. My new life is positive and full of happiness and deserves a fresh new post, so to hear all about how I got where I am now, keep reading!! You haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet I promise =]
**...I do want to make something clear though. Bi-polar disorder is not something to take lightly or joke about. It's a serious disorder, and having struggled with it, I feel like I need to advocate for it. And keep in mind, this happened a year ago and it was a one time thing. I am not characterized as a suicidal, crazy person. I had one incident that put me in a category and needed attention. Through therapy sessions I've come to the realization that given the right circumstances, everyone has the potential to do what I did. I was pushed to my limit and didn't know how to help myself. It didn't help that my husband had such a control over me I felt like I couldn't tell anyone anything. I wanted to talk to people and I'd get threats from him. That was my cry for help. I wanted other options. After a year of therapy, it's been concluded that I have done a complete 180. I haven't exhibited any bi-polar tendencies since I left my husband, not a single characteristic. So even though I had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder once before, it's now up for re-discussion. I haven't taken medication in about 7 months, and never once did I have an "episode" or even a hard time coping without them. In fact, I've been happier. I feel...real? Does that make sense? I feel feelings 100%. That might not make sense to you, but it does to me. I've never felt more alive and truly happy....**
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