The end is near!

I'm finally getting my wish!!! It's happening!! My doctor's appointment Friday was actually semi-successful. I did not achieve what I was originally hoping for, but I made out pretty good nonetheless. I can actually say, for the first time in a few months now, I'm satisfied with the result.

I've been real bad these past few weeks. Absolutely miserable? I don't even think that can paint the picture. It's been bad. I'm beyond fed up with being pregnant. By the way, have I shown you just how large I've gotten??

...Right. So it's bad. And this was last week, at 37 weeks. I may look happy, but, thanks to my past, I'm a pro at painting a smile on my face. Besides, I know in my heart years down the road, I'm going to want to look at these pictures and remember good things. So, I try to be as optimistic as possible. I love my life, I love my baby whom I can't wait to meet, I love Mikey and our little family, I am blessed. Though I have to say, it's getting harder and harder to hold myself back and not smack my mother's hand away with a cold glare every time she lays it on my belly and goes "My God, you really are huge." Thanks for the update, Mr. Einstein. I hadn't noticed.

So...it's Friday, I'm 38 weeks and 3 days. And I'm still holding a grudge from last weeks appointment, when I was denied an exam and the necessary status update. I get in the room and I don't see a sheet on the table for me, a sign that this isn't one of "those" kinds of visits. If I don't speak up, I'll be leaving disappointed again. Something that is most definitely a characteristic of "Meagan". I would typically sit back and just deal with it. But not today. My buttons have already been pushed. Not even pushed. At this point, they've been pushed, and baby boy is now laying on all of them, holding them forever down in the "pushed" position. Nurse P asks me the usuals, "swelling? cramping? contractions? anything the doctor should know?" I rant about it all. Poor woman. She's only trying to do her job. She takes my BP and says "Ok, the doctor will be in shortly." ...Now's my chance. I bring up my concerns about the fact that it has now been 2 and a half weeks since I was last checked for dilation and effacement and I want an update. To my relief, Nurse P is very sweet, and hands me a sheet. "Of course honey, I'm sorry. I hadn't realized you haven't been given exams." Damn straight. That's how it's done. She leaves me alone to get bottom-half nekkid and I smile happily to myself and revel in my victory. =] So Doc comes in and gets down to business and the little happy dance I'm doing in my head is cut short. He announces I'm only 2cm!!! WHAT?! How can that be?? Two and a half weeks ago, I was 1cm. I've been doing everything possible to turn that 1 into a 4 or something. Something that would give Doc cause to say "Wow, look at that, you're ready to have a baby! Let's wheel you over to the hospital and pop this sucker out today!" Doc senses my disappointment. He knows I was sure today was going to be the day. He also announces that I'm 80%, which is decent, so that makes me a little happier I guess. But it's still not the answer I was hoping for. So then he starts causing this terrible pain, WTF is that? What are you doing?? He's stretching my cervix. Is that normal?! Holy cow, that hurts like a b*tch man! It's supposed to help speed things up. Well it freakin better! He takes his gloves off and looks at the calendar on the wall. "When are you due again?" "The 27th." "What are you doing this Tuesday?" "Umm...I don't know yet? Nothing? Waiting for a baby to drop out of my uterus?" "Wanna have a baby?"

DING DING DING DING!!!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!! THERE IS A GOD!!! YES!!! YES, in the name of all things that are holy, YES I most certainly do want to have a baby this Tuesday!!! I'm so overwhelmed with excitement, I almost miss his comment about wanting to get this baby out before he hits 10lbs...whoa whoa whoa...back that train up. Did he say 10lbs? He's smiling...and he sort of half laughed when saying it...is he trying to be funny? Was that some sort of sick doctor joke? Because that definitely wasn't funny. Do you see me? I mean, granted, I'm huge right now. But normally? Normally I'm not this huge. My frame is not built for a 10 pounder. My...my hole isn't going to allow for that!! Is he aware of this?? I panic, he notices, he laughs. He tells me not to worry, I'm in good hands, if baby is too big to come out naturally we may have to explore option B. Or rather, should I say option "C". Ha. Haha. Get it? Yeah, it's not really funny, I know. But what can ya do, right? At this point, I can only roll with the punches and take what's given to me. I just want him here, in my arms, healthy and happy.

So it's official. We talked a little more about what to expect when you're induced. I am to check in at Bellevue at 6am (holy early mofo!!!) They'll get me situated in Labor and Delivery, where I will be warmly greeted by the amazing staff that I've been introduced to 5 times already. They'll hook me up to the monitors. Then...DUN DUN DUN...the IV. EEEEEP!!!! Once Doc shows up he'll start me on Pitocin to start the contractions. If my water hasn't broken on it's own, he will break it, and my contractions will get worse. I'll dilate accordingly, or at least we hope, and I'll push and baby will be here.

I'm sure my first post after the fact will sound MUCH, MUCH different than what was described to me. But in the meantime, that's the game plan. That's how it's supposed to go down. So we shall see. ..

Growing progressively more miserable

Seriously, what gives?! This is just getting ridiculous. If it were possible for me to throw in the towel, I would. Unfortunately, this isn't one of those things I can just give up on. Or fortunately. I really shouldn't say like I'm mad I'm getting a baby out of the deal. I just never realized how long 9 months really is.

...And can I just ask, why the hell do they say that?? No one is ever really pregnant for only 9 months. At least not the majority of women in America. If you're one of the few lucky ones, shut up and don't talk to me. But seriously. We're pregnant for 10 months. I think we need to inform some people who are very wrong. If I were only pregnant for 9 months, I'd be holding my baby boy in my arms right now, rather than typing like a mad woman on my laptop. But no, even though I'm 9 months pregnant, the big ol "PSYCH!" card gets pulled on me and ohhhh heyyy, I gotta wait a whole 'nother month. Excuse my french but F that. This blows. And I hate when people ask me "So how far along are you?" Because what am I supposed to answer? If I say 9 months, they look at me terrified and they're like "Oh my God, should you be standing? Do you want a chair? Is he like, gonna pop out anytime now? What's your due date?" At that point, all you can do is roll your eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, technically, my due date isn't until July 27th. "Oh so you're not really 9 months then." What?? Are you retarded? Yes, I am actually 9 months. They're like "So that actually makes you 8 months, not 9." What are you people, the freakin' pregnancy nazi's? I'm pretty sure it's July, and I've been pregnant since late October/early November. I've been pregnant for 37 1/2, 38 weeks. How many weeks are in a month genius? 4. Do me a favor, divide 37 by 4. HEYYYY!!! What do you know? The pregnant lady was right! She has in fact been pregnant for as long as she says she has! Wow. Morons.

I think I'm a little on edge lately. Would you agree? I hear that's what the end is like though. Ugh. This is so sucky. I've become so miserable, and totally not meaning to, I'm making everyone else around me miserable too. I'm so terrible. I'm just so sick of being so fat and uncomfortable. I've come to the point where I end up watching the crappiest shows on tv for the sad fact that it's too hard for me to lean forward to reach the remote in order to change the channel. And forget about getting up. I can't do that on my own. I can't even dress myself without breaking a sweat and falling onto the bed.

I was looking forward to today's doctor's appointment for the past week. Last week, I went on Tuesday, I was exactly 36 weeks. The doctor gave me an exam and said I was starting to dilate, I was 1 cm. Nothing too exciting, but it's something. So I took it and ran with it. I've been trying everything. Anything I hear speeds up the process I've been trying (within reason). And all to see what would happen when I went in to this appointment, a week and a half later. See how much more I had dilated, if any. And guess what? The doc didn't even check me!!! Needless to say, I was terribly disappointed. Seriously, what the hell? Pregnant women are your job description. Shouldn't you know better than to disappoint one? She just told me, once again, that my baby is big. Fabulous. I'm going to push an enormous child out of my tiny vag. Yeah, ok. We'll see. Now I have to wait a whole 'nother week to see what happens. IF I make it that long. But let me tell you, I am DETERMINED to not make it till then. I'm too sick of being miserable. And this pain?? What is this all about?? For like 2 weeks now I've been having this terrible back and belly pain that brings me to tears. I'm so over this. I'd much rather just deal with the day or so of pain in labor and get it over with than continuing on this path of daily torture. Hmmm...maybe we need to have more sex. Yep, that's it. More sex is always the right plan. I'll keep you all posted. Wouldn't it be wonderful if tomorrow I posted "Baby's Here!!!" Yeah... =/

Enough already.

Yep, two days later. 36 weeks, 4 days now. We just missed the on ramp to Annoyed and we're headed straight for Miserableville. These days really just don't seem to end. I am beyond losing my mind. Comfort is something I haven't felt in weeks now. And the pain is unbearable. A dull lower back pain that comes and goes about every 3 minutes. Hand in hand with sporadic crampy pains in my lower belly. What the hell? If I actually thought it was labor I'd be ecstatic, but I know better. He's getting bigger, and dropping, and it could still be weeks and weeks before there's any sign of baby. So that makes me very very grumpy. Enough is enough already! My body can't take much more of this. And poor Mikey. All I did last night was bitch, bitch, bitch. And bark at him for this or that. I don't know where it came from, I'm just so at the end of my freaking rope. If I really do go all the way up to my due date, I don't know what will happen. That's still like 24 days away. Like for real?? No way. I can't do that. This baby needs to come now. I've been trying the pineapple, we've been trying sex, so far no luck. Granted I've only been trying it for like 2, 3 days now but still! I'm more the instant gratification type. Ok, I did what I was supposed to, now where's my reward? Sad part is I decided to test these theories knowing full well that's exactly what they are. Theories. There's no scientific evidence to support them, nothing to promise me that if I do that, this will happen. So I've known all along this was a shot in the dark and yet my hopes were still high. Ugh. Oh well, here's to another day. All this crap and I'm still choosing to be optimistic? Pathetic. Maybe today will be the day...

Testing the theories...

So here we are, I'm 36 weeks. Well, 36 weeks and 2 days. And still no baby. I'm convinced that doctors really just let words spew out of their mouths regardless of validity. Was it really necessary to put me on bed rest for these past 2 months?? Make me lose my mind? Force me to stuff my face out of boredom and to fulfill meaningless cravings? Get me hooked on mindless daytime reality television shows? And on top of all that, I've begun to talk to myself as a result of my loneliness! How sad is that? In my defense, and in an effort to make me sound slightly less insane, I have 3 cats whom I direct my conversations at. Even still, would my typical daily routine really have put me in danger of delivering early? I suppose the world will never know. I only wonder as a result of my awe in the fact that 10 whole weeks just passed me by as I watched from the confines of my couch. I could've been walking, keeping myself somewhat in shape as far as exercise during pregnancy is concerned, and making for an easy labor and delivery (or so I hear). I could've taken the childbirth classes I wanted so badly to take. I could've stayed in work, filling my weeks with something to take my mind off being pregnant, making the weeks pass quicker. And the luxury of human interaction would've been nice. But like I said, the world will never know. I would hate to think if I hadn't changed my routine, the worse case scenario. Have you ever googled premature birth?? Don't. Scary shit. All the possible outcomes, and they all sound just as terrible as the next. So I guess I should be thankful, and count my blessings. I'm only negative because I'm becoming very grumpy, irritable, impatient and uncomfortable as the weeks go on. I do appreciate everything everyone has done for me, and I really have to say thank you to my wonderful doctors and all the staff, at Dr. Irani's office in Schenectady. And the lovely women I've met at Bellevue who have yet to see the last of me haha. If it wasn't for all of them, I might have had to find out just what terrible things await a mother on the other side of that preemie door...

But here we are...36 weeks and 2 days. I'm officially full term. If baby boy Grayson comes now, we can rest assured knowing he'll be just fine and that we did everything we could to ensure a healthy, wonderful life for him. That being said, GET HIM OUT OF ME!!!! I love you baby boy, Mommy's ready to meet you. You've been cooking in there for 36 weeks now. Divide that by 4, that's officially 9 calendar months. That's a long time for me to be patient. And that's a hard task, knowing that the best, most amazing gift is so close within your reach. But you can't have it just yet. It's like being 7 and waiting all year long for Christmas. Once you get to December, forget it, it's all over. You're pissing off Mom and Dad with all your Christmas talk, you've bothered the Mall Santa every week to make sure he gets your requests just right, you're not sleeping at night because, hello? It's almost Christmas! You're too excited! And you keep thinking you heard reindeer hooves on the roof and jingle bells, could Santa maybe have come early because you've been oh so good this year and done everything right?? Once your excitement has reached the max, the house is all decorated, everything is in it's place, cookies are baked and milk is on hand, all you can do is wait. And when all you can do is wait, you start to snoop. Bring Christmas a little early. Does this sound familiar? Let me put it this way...Pissing off the people you love with all your "baby this, and baby that, and oh I can't wait for baby" talk...Bothering the doctor every week to make sure everything goes just right and he knows just exactly what you want...You're not sleeping at night because (other than the fact that you're so freaking uncomfortable with a giant watermelon in your belly) hello? It's almost Baby Time! You're too excited! And you keep thinking what was that? Was that a trickle? Did my water just break? I just felt a cramp, was that a contraction?? Could Baby maybe be coming early because I've been oh so good this pregnancy and done everything right??...Once your excitement has reached the max, the baby room is all decorated, the house is all baby ready, diapers and formula are all stocked up...When all you can do is wait, you start to get antsy and test some theories...Try to bring Baby a little early =] I've been googling like crazy, so infatuated with these crazy, dare I even say bizarre, theories on inducing labor. I'm so very intrigued! So curious as to what works, if any. Some say nothing you do will bring baby early. If he's not ready, he won't budge. But in my mind, if that was the case, my doctor wouldn't have been so quick to forbid me from any activity and banish me to the couch. I think it's true to a point, that baby won't come till he's ready. But I think once you've passed a certain point, there are in fact things you can do to speed up the process. For example, once you DO begin labor, there are tons of things the doctor recommends you do in the hospital to speed things up. You should walk, you should soak in a tub, then of course there are drugs...so it is possible. I think it's possible I've passed the point. I passed my plug already, I've begun to dilate, I've been having practice contractions sporadically...my body is preparing. Why not see if certain things speed it up? Unfortunately, the most hyped theory is walking. I still don't know that I should test this just yet. I'm technically still supposed to be on bed rest. I tried expanding my boundaries a tiny bit (without my doctor's knowledge at first) and did some walking here and there and I got terrible pains in my lower belly and in my hips. Almost crampy, but not quite. And my feet blew up like miniature Goodyear blimps. So I brought it up to my doctor Tuesday when I saw him and he did not approve. He said he never lifted my sentence. Bed rest is still his prescription. Too much activity could cause complications during labor and delivery. So while it's okay that he comes, at this point, we want to make sure he comes out safely, without harming either of us. That being said, I've decided to test theories safer to my condition. I've been testing the myth about eating pineapple right now. Did you ever hear such a thing?? Eating pineapple. Well, we shall see. Also, having been good for 2 whole months, I've decided sex can be added into my daily schedule as well =] It's a little more difficult than I remember it being 2 months ago when I was a little less huge, but it's supposed to do the trick too, so again, we will see! And shut up about it, I've been good, I deserve it! Once he's out I'll have to go an added 6 weeks with no sex so I'm going to enjoy this, leave me alone jerks! =] So far, these are the only 2 myths I've decided to take on. As time goes on and my due date gets closer, I'll try some more. Like pedicures, swimming, and maybe if my due date is super close and still no baby? Walking or galloping. I'll keep you posted!!! Stand by for updates! =]