So last post we left off at what's going on now. How've I been since I made the decision to be happy? I've been, well, happy! I've grown up. You may laugh, but I did. I fell in love again unexpectedly in June. A different kind of love. A healthy love. A true, genuine love. I met Mikey at a part time job hostessing at a diner, and soon after, after a terrifying midnight encounter, met his 2 year old (now 3 year old) daughter Kaylee. Mikey and I began "seeing" each other June of 2009, and said our first "I love you"'s at the fourth of July fireworks. I've been through a lot in my life, and I knew this was something big. I found feelings I had never felt before with my husband. We connected on so many levels and I'd never felt so right with someone. I didn't have to change who I was to be with him, and I didn't need him to change to be what I wanted. He was what I wanted. We didn't waste time. Afterall, I've wasted enough time in my life. We both know what we want out of life and it's defined in each other. We moved in together in September and by November, I was peeing on a stick. Only rather than the usual frantic "please be negative, please be negative" little chant and rain dance I was so used to doing in the past, I found myself planted right in front of it watching it for the entire 3 minutes praying to God it would be positive. I had taken a digital test, and let me tell you, there was nothing more powerful than the word "Pregnant" displayed across the screen. I cried almost simultaneously and thanked God. Now, I've been pregnant once before, but had a miscarriage. We found out that we had technically lost the baby before we had even found out we were pregnant (looooong story, and as a result, I no longer see Dr. Sattar of Schenectady and I advise others to heed my advice) So to be sure, I wanted to take another test, maybe even two. It was a Friday night so Mikey was working till about 10. I jumped in my car to run up to Price Chopper which was all of a couple miles away from our apartment. Now--most of you know about my car, right? It's a death trap on wheels, and most of the time not even worth the $600 I paid for it. It's more of a lawn ornament than a mode of transportation. Unreliable doesn't even paint a close enough picture. This thing is a beast. I got in it, prayed it would start, and ran up to Price Chopper. I bought 2 pregnancy tests, and a card for "Daddy", that's how I wanted to tell him =] Even though this would be his second child, it would be my first and I wanted everything to be perfect and exciting. I hoped back in my car, turned the key, and...nothing. Tried again, nothing. Tried, tried, tried....nothing. This went on for a good half hour before I started frantically making phone calls. I had to be home before Mikey got home!! Everything needed to be perfect for when I told him the news! I mean, there had to be candles, and the card, and I had to find something pretty to wear and...just everything! I was hysterical when nothing was going my way and the only option was to wait for Mikey to come pick me up. I considered walking, but it was raining and, hello? I was pregnant! I had to be careful now! About 20 minutes later, we were driving home in Mikey's car, discussing how foolish it had been that I took the beast to Price Chopper when we know how unreliable it is. And all for a card? (I still had not told him the real reason I had gone) -Oh but the card is for you honey, I wanted to get you a card.- That helped a little, he apologized for getting angry and thanked me for thinking about him and he leaned over to give me a kiss. Once we got home, I sat him on the couch and asked if he wanted his card now. So not how I pictured it, no candles were lit, I was in sweats and my hair up in a pony tail, and still flustered from the car drama. But we sat on the couch and he opened my card. He read that we were pregnant and I was relieved when he smiled and hugged and kissed me and smiled some more. I took the other 2 tests, both reassuring my earlier discovery. We laughed and we danced around the house and we started talking about baby. I told my parents (well, my mom haha) the next day and he told his parents and little by little we told more and more people. Doctor visit number one was that Monday and they gave me an ultrasound right then and there because of my concerns from my previous pregnancy. Everyone wanted to be put at ease. Sure enough, there was a tiny little dot on the screen. That didn't really make me feel great, as I couldn't see a thing. But my doctor reassured me that the pregnancy sac was developing and I was roughly 4 weeks. She had me come back in 2 weeks to do another ultrasound to see my progress and that appointment made me feel much much better. This time, there was a distinct little bean on the monitor. Big enough to see and very reassuring considering 2 weeks ago there had been a tiny little dot in its place. The best part though? The best part was you could see a tiny little flutter in the bean. A heartbeat. Something I had never seen before. Proof that there really was life inside me. A very emotional time for all of us.
After a very nerve-racking first trimester (convinced that if I so much as sneezed wrong I'd miscarry again), I made it to my second trimester without being any worse for the wear. I have no horror stories, no typical first trimester gripes. I have been lucky, and blessed. Not a single stitch of morning sickness. At 20 weeks, we found out we're having a baby boy. I am beyond thrilled. I secretly hoped I'd be having a boy. While I'd love a girl too, it seems everyone is having girls. And that's great, but I've always wanted to be different. And ever since Vincent danced into my life, I've had it in my mind that I wanted a little boy. Besides, Mikey's not big into Nascar. I need someone I can take to the races and cheer on Dale Jr. with!!! =] So that brings us up to speed. At 22 1/2 weeks me, Mikey, and Kaylee are as happy as could be. Now you can follow us through our journey. And I'm super excited that you are. I'll be blogging every time I have a question, a worry, a celebration, to vent, to wonder, to just gush about how absolutely wonderful life is. Take it from someone who has hit rock bottom, life is full of wonderful things and is most definitely worth living. I don't even want to think about all I'd have missed out on...meeting my other half, the man I've been waiting my whole life for, growing up and making my own choices (and let me tell you, there's something so rewarding about making choices and being on your own. Everything we've bought or paid for has so much more meaning because it was earned and we worked hard for it), and being blessed with the most amazing gift of all. A baby.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
So this is blogging...
Hmmm. Day one of this new found fad. So far? I like it. I get to decorate and post pictures and just go on and on about anything and everything that's on my mind? Yeah, I like that. Something to know about me- I love getting myself out on paper. Or, rather, computer screen in this case I suppose. I used to keep diaries and journals, so many I'd lose track. This is much more organized, I could really get used to this thing. I can see why people get so addicted. It's quite catchy. So let's see, where should we start? Well, if you're reading this, you probably know me. But if you don't? Well, it's probably too late to get you caught up. A lot has happened to me in the past year. Lots of changes for this once timid, mild mannered, seen and not heard type of gal. My story goes like this...
I had a picture perfect childhood. Grew up in Rotterdam, NY. The neighborhood kids were my life and my days were spent creating forts in the park, building bike jumps, and playing "Bad Bird" in the road. I had(have) the best family a girl could ask for. My parents are still together today, for a total of 29 years, and set a wonderful example for me. I can only hope I am that happy in 29 years. I have a brother whom I love, despite the fact I think he's too cocky and full of himself for his own good. It's not his fault. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents more than anything. But they do put him on a pedestal that I can only view from my place on the ground. I wish him all the best though and I hope he really does become some great wonderful doctor like he intends.
High school was a time for change. I was established and happy in Mohonasen and thrilled to be a part of the Winterguard team (<3). That all stopped in 9th grade. We moved to Burnt Hills, which isn't far, but might as well have been half way across the world in a 9th graders eyes. I was very spiteful and reluctant to make friends and adjust to Burnt Hills life. Once I did though, I found great friends (and still kept my true friends from Mohonasen). Looking back I thank my parents for making the decision they did. While I was happy in Mohonasen, there was a lot that I didn't see then. A lot of politics in the school that I understand now, and despise Mohonasen for. Plus I was struggling academically and teachers gave up on me easily. In high school, they didn't want to be bothered. You were a number to them and they didn't really care about you as an individual. I received a much better education at Burnt Hills than I would have gotten at Mohonasen. Teachers were there to help and wanted you to not only succeed, but blow everyone out of the water. They never gave up on me, even at times when I wished they would, and I did very well in high school because of them. I graduated in 2004 and though my heart wanted to go to Saint Rose, my bank account and federal aid would only allow for HVCC. But let's make one thing clear, I am NOT complaining. I have nothing but good things to say about HVCC. I really did get a great education there! I loved it. I learned so much! I majored in Early Childhood Education and have never been more fascinated by anything in my life. Children blow my mind. After 2 (well...okay, technically 3 haha) years at HVCC, I got my associates degree in Early Childhood Education and I feel like an expert on kids!!! I dove right in and actually went above and beyond. That's something I've never done. I spent hours researching things that weren't even required, I just simply wanted to know more. My ECCE teachers became my best friends (well, as well as some other fine ladies I've kept through the years =]) and I spent hours in their offices just discussing kids. I was offered a job right out of graduation as a head teacher of a toddler room at a local daycare center. I have nothing but great things to say about that. While I was there I'm sure I could have come up with a few complaints, but looking back I have nothing but great memories with great people. I have a special place in my heart for most of them and for quite a few of the kids that came through my classroom doors. Two and a half years later, one of my favorite students was leaving the center and I received the best compliment of all. They didn't want to leave me. So they took me with them and that's how I became a personal nanny to the most wonderful little boy I have ever met. Vincent. Vincent changed my life in more ways than I will ever be able to thank him for. I only got to nanny from October 2008 to May 2009. They had to let me go because mom was a teacher and had the summer off. I still keep in touch though =] That brings me to where I am today. I work for First Niagara Bank and I really love it. It's quite the change of pace, and there are times that I miss the daycare days and analyzing children. But I love working for the bank and I love the people I work with.
I fell in love at sixteen with the first man to tell me he loved me. I won't lie, I loved him too and I don't regret anything. It was a lesson learned in my life. I demanded an engagement and a rock to seal the deal. At 19 I was engaged and planning an elaborate wedding that I would later regret (I'm so sorry Mama...). August of 2007, at 20, I was married. Already feeling like I was making a mistake but hoping marriage would fix everything. I was 20 afterall. Young and dumb. In this time we also purchased our first house and I poured everything into fixing it up. I spent all my time doing remodels and keeping busy enough to keep my mind off the fact that I was falling out of love. It got worse and worse. I tried to leave several times, but each time couldn't bring myself to actually pack up and go. He threatened to take everything I had if I tried to leave. Then cried and begged me not to go. After about a year of this, I made the dumbest move I could have ever made. I resorted to attempting suicide to try to get out of my marriage. I felt I had no other options. I overdosed on prescription pain pills and whatever else I could find in the medicine cabinet and by the same time the next day, I knew it was the most out of my mind thing I had ever done and ever would do. I actually thought being dead would be better than being married to this man? After spending a couple days in the hospital and talking to psychiatrist after psychiatrist, we came to the conclusion that I have bi-polar tendencies and was in a harmful relationship that I needed to get out of immediately. Soon after this life changing experience, I did just that. I packed up everything I could fit in "MY" car, signed separation papers, and left knowing this time I wouldn't be going back. Parts of me were sad that it had to end the way it did, but the other parts of me felt so wonderful to be free. I made my own decisions for the first time in my entire life at the age of 22. I took off and haven't looked back since.
That brings us to just about now. A better, happier life. Which I am going to tell you about in another post. This post has become sad, depressing, and littered with things I prefer not to remember. My new life is positive and full of happiness and deserves a fresh new post, so to hear all about how I got where I am now, keep reading!! You haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet I promise =]
**...I do want to make something clear though. Bi-polar disorder is not something to take lightly or joke about. It's a serious disorder, and having struggled with it, I feel like I need to advocate for it. And keep in mind, this happened a year ago and it was a one time thing. I am not characterized as a suicidal, crazy person. I had one incident that put me in a category and needed attention. Through therapy sessions I've come to the realization that given the right circumstances, everyone has the potential to do what I did. I was pushed to my limit and didn't know how to help myself. It didn't help that my husband had such a control over me I felt like I couldn't tell anyone anything. I wanted to talk to people and I'd get threats from him. That was my cry for help. I wanted other options. After a year of therapy, it's been concluded that I have done a complete 180. I haven't exhibited any bi-polar tendencies since I left my husband, not a single characteristic. So even though I had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder once before, it's now up for re-discussion. I haven't taken medication in about 7 months, and never once did I have an "episode" or even a hard time coping without them. In fact, I've been happier. I feel...real? Does that make sense? I feel feelings 100%. That might not make sense to you, but it does to me. I've never felt more alive and truly happy....**
I had a picture perfect childhood. Grew up in Rotterdam, NY. The neighborhood kids were my life and my days were spent creating forts in the park, building bike jumps, and playing "Bad Bird" in the road. I had(have) the best family a girl could ask for. My parents are still together today, for a total of 29 years, and set a wonderful example for me. I can only hope I am that happy in 29 years. I have a brother whom I love, despite the fact I think he's too cocky and full of himself for his own good. It's not his fault. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents more than anything. But they do put him on a pedestal that I can only view from my place on the ground. I wish him all the best though and I hope he really does become some great wonderful doctor like he intends.
High school was a time for change. I was established and happy in Mohonasen and thrilled to be a part of the Winterguard team (<3). That all stopped in 9th grade. We moved to Burnt Hills, which isn't far, but might as well have been half way across the world in a 9th graders eyes. I was very spiteful and reluctant to make friends and adjust to Burnt Hills life. Once I did though, I found great friends (and still kept my true friends from Mohonasen). Looking back I thank my parents for making the decision they did. While I was happy in Mohonasen, there was a lot that I didn't see then. A lot of politics in the school that I understand now, and despise Mohonasen for. Plus I was struggling academically and teachers gave up on me easily. In high school, they didn't want to be bothered. You were a number to them and they didn't really care about you as an individual. I received a much better education at Burnt Hills than I would have gotten at Mohonasen. Teachers were there to help and wanted you to not only succeed, but blow everyone out of the water. They never gave up on me, even at times when I wished they would, and I did very well in high school because of them. I graduated in 2004 and though my heart wanted to go to Saint Rose, my bank account and federal aid would only allow for HVCC. But let's make one thing clear, I am NOT complaining. I have nothing but good things to say about HVCC. I really did get a great education there! I loved it. I learned so much! I majored in Early Childhood Education and have never been more fascinated by anything in my life. Children blow my mind. After 2 (well...okay, technically 3 haha) years at HVCC, I got my associates degree in Early Childhood Education and I feel like an expert on kids!!! I dove right in and actually went above and beyond. That's something I've never done. I spent hours researching things that weren't even required, I just simply wanted to know more. My ECCE teachers became my best friends (well, as well as some other fine ladies I've kept through the years =]) and I spent hours in their offices just discussing kids. I was offered a job right out of graduation as a head teacher of a toddler room at a local daycare center. I have nothing but great things to say about that. While I was there I'm sure I could have come up with a few complaints, but looking back I have nothing but great memories with great people. I have a special place in my heart for most of them and for quite a few of the kids that came through my classroom doors. Two and a half years later, one of my favorite students was leaving the center and I received the best compliment of all. They didn't want to leave me. So they took me with them and that's how I became a personal nanny to the most wonderful little boy I have ever met. Vincent. Vincent changed my life in more ways than I will ever be able to thank him for. I only got to nanny from October 2008 to May 2009. They had to let me go because mom was a teacher and had the summer off. I still keep in touch though =] That brings me to where I am today. I work for First Niagara Bank and I really love it. It's quite the change of pace, and there are times that I miss the daycare days and analyzing children. But I love working for the bank and I love the people I work with.
I fell in love at sixteen with the first man to tell me he loved me. I won't lie, I loved him too and I don't regret anything. It was a lesson learned in my life. I demanded an engagement and a rock to seal the deal. At 19 I was engaged and planning an elaborate wedding that I would later regret (I'm so sorry Mama...). August of 2007, at 20, I was married. Already feeling like I was making a mistake but hoping marriage would fix everything. I was 20 afterall. Young and dumb. In this time we also purchased our first house and I poured everything into fixing it up. I spent all my time doing remodels and keeping busy enough to keep my mind off the fact that I was falling out of love. It got worse and worse. I tried to leave several times, but each time couldn't bring myself to actually pack up and go. He threatened to take everything I had if I tried to leave. Then cried and begged me not to go. After about a year of this, I made the dumbest move I could have ever made. I resorted to attempting suicide to try to get out of my marriage. I felt I had no other options. I overdosed on prescription pain pills and whatever else I could find in the medicine cabinet and by the same time the next day, I knew it was the most out of my mind thing I had ever done and ever would do. I actually thought being dead would be better than being married to this man? After spending a couple days in the hospital and talking to psychiatrist after psychiatrist, we came to the conclusion that I have bi-polar tendencies and was in a harmful relationship that I needed to get out of immediately. Soon after this life changing experience, I did just that. I packed up everything I could fit in "MY" car, signed separation papers, and left knowing this time I wouldn't be going back. Parts of me were sad that it had to end the way it did, but the other parts of me felt so wonderful to be free. I made my own decisions for the first time in my entire life at the age of 22. I took off and haven't looked back since.
That brings us to just about now. A better, happier life. Which I am going to tell you about in another post. This post has become sad, depressing, and littered with things I prefer not to remember. My new life is positive and full of happiness and deserves a fresh new post, so to hear all about how I got where I am now, keep reading!! You haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet I promise =]
**...I do want to make something clear though. Bi-polar disorder is not something to take lightly or joke about. It's a serious disorder, and having struggled with it, I feel like I need to advocate for it. And keep in mind, this happened a year ago and it was a one time thing. I am not characterized as a suicidal, crazy person. I had one incident that put me in a category and needed attention. Through therapy sessions I've come to the realization that given the right circumstances, everyone has the potential to do what I did. I was pushed to my limit and didn't know how to help myself. It didn't help that my husband had such a control over me I felt like I couldn't tell anyone anything. I wanted to talk to people and I'd get threats from him. That was my cry for help. I wanted other options. After a year of therapy, it's been concluded that I have done a complete 180. I haven't exhibited any bi-polar tendencies since I left my husband, not a single characteristic. So even though I had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder once before, it's now up for re-discussion. I haven't taken medication in about 7 months, and never once did I have an "episode" or even a hard time coping without them. In fact, I've been happier. I feel...real? Does that make sense? I feel feelings 100%. That might not make sense to you, but it does to me. I've never felt more alive and truly happy....**
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